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Learning to let go

After the last rant, I never wrote much about personal stuff as such, though there are posts lined up in drafts which needs editing and closure, I want to write something today and it's personal.
So readers, by all means skip further reading if you want.

It's been a year since I stopped talking to this beloved friend of mine and it was not something I wanted, I know people come and go, friends leave but it is the way we parted hurts more than anything, with hurtful words and ego clashes, though I tried contacting you again I didn't get any kind of reply and then one day I saw that my friend was happy, having fun with new friends and new lifestyle which felt like a blow, I don't know what I felt then..
Jealousy - that he was his usual chirpy and active self but I was  not! or 
Anger - On myself that I was thinking about someone who never cared about my feelings at all.
I was whining and blaming myself for those hurtful words I said, for the way things turned out!
And seeing this pic of my friend I felt like I was splashed with cold water on face
A myriad of emotions surged through me
Nothing made sense, thinking of which it still never make sense!
And through this confusing emotions, one feeling stuck to me never letting me go!
It was Pain of losing the best friend I had, who didn't really care but just cared enough a bit to always remind of realities in life.
I realized that I was attached which made me bitter 
I was overthinking..a way too much perhaps..
It did affect me in bits and pieces in insignificant and significant ways
I was lost in memories
Stuck my mind in a series of 'what ifs'

I had had enough of these, I didn't want to blame myself anymore after all we reacted in our own ways. 
My friends advised me not to think much and let go of the past.

Slowly I realized that I can't force someone to stay and I knew deep in my heart that I wouldn't talk to someone who doesn't like to talk to me, it is true that memories pop up and I still like this person but I also remember the painful ending..
There are  memories both heartwarming and heart rending
And there is the fact that I cannot hate that person and the bond we shared, even though severed left its mark on me
And now it's time to accept the fact that I cannot erase memories nor I can be angry or bitter towards the past or towards the person anymore, because I just don't want to.
It's time that I let go of bitterness and pain,  
It's time I allow myself to heal.

And today I am letting go,
my dear friend you always hold a place in my heart and if we ever cross paths again all I would want to do is smile at you.. A genuine happy smile.

Dear S, if you ever come across this post or if you ever think about me then see me in the light of the friendship we cherished, for all those happy times, don't hold on to anger or bitterness.
I wish you lots of happiness and success and yes
I wish you Freedom that you so crave
and remember to open your boxed up dreams and fulfill
Be honest, do good
Practice empathy
let go of addictions
and keep smiling

This is Pearl signing off



image courtesy : google

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